What I Honestly Feel

The feeling when you're not good enough. When you don't think any guy will ever want to be with you because you're not special, you're not funny. Not pretty either. and you kinda get sick of everyone telling you you're pretty because you know its just lies, just to make you feel better. And when you do try to see into your future, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy. He's gonna be stuck with you, the ordinary, ugly and boring girl you are.
 Honestly, if I was my own soulmate, I wouldn't be too keen on going back home to me either. I can't blame anyone but myself for that, and you get sad, and you try your best to change that and it's telling you your boringness is permanent at the back of your mind. That makes you sad, doesnt it? Putting your hopes up so high but at the end of the day, reality always comes back to you. The fact that someday, you'll have someone who'll love you even if it goes against all odds, and you're not even gonna believe it. Because really, you're nothing compared to all the other girls.

The Ugly Truth of Who I Am.

Sometimes, you feel like crying, not because you're not good enough, but because you finally figured out what you really are, and you find out, you are what you don't want to be the most, a bully. A big fat bully. And the thing is, you've seen all these movies when you were a child, you see the bullies and you think, When I grow up I never want to be like that, I want to be the person who saves the victim. The nice guy but as you get older you tend to lose yourself and you look inside and you find you're a mean, stupid and cruel creature. 

You start to be sad, because you realize people like you who scars other people's lives and say mean words that cut their hearts don't deserve anything you get. You don't deserve love, sympathy, you really don't deserve having a home, a family because you're such a terrible person. You also don't deserve the person who's there when you cry or you break down, because you make other people cry. 

When you do get punished, for hurting someone else, you feel it. You feel the pain when your teacher hits your hand or slaps your face for bullying an 11 year old girl, but really, you deserved so much more. Because what you got was a temporary pain, but what that girl got was forever. You can deal with this in two ways, strike back, or look into yourself.

And if you look into yourself you'll realize you're a horrible person, and that kid wishing she'll never turn out like this comes back to you, the person you were before.You feel like punishing yourself, cutting your veins, hitting your head into a wall just because you figured this is what you actually deserve.Because to you,

Bad things have to happen to bad people, like yourself.

Wherever You Are, No Matter How Far. I Promise I That I Wont Give Up On You.

Am I the only person who wishes that the guy that's my other half's gonna like appear in my memory just for a second, just so I know who he is. I just want an idea about how he's gonna be like. And it's ironic that while I'm writing this, he's in another room, possibly in another state or country, living and dreaming and I don't even know who he is and he doesn't even have the idea of me and one day, we're gonna be married and I'll love him more than I love myself. And it's funny how I have my whole life planned out in my head, about how I want my life to be and all the places I wanna go with the person I love most, yet I don't even know who that person is, and he doesn't even know what he's in for if he's gonna spend a lifetime with me. We're just gonna do so much and be so happy together yet, we don't know when we're gonna meet or even have the slightest idea of who each of us are. But I hope with all my heart, that even though we don't know each other, we'll never give up on being together.

Losing Myself.

It's funny when you're lost but you know exactly where you are. You lost yourself, you see all these amazing people and you just can't help but feel small, and you can't help but feel sorry for yourself, because I can't.Maybe you even start to change, little by little and sooner or later, you're a different person. One day, you're going to look back and maybe you'll miss the girl who smiled for the whole world. Maybe you'll miss yourself, and you wish you can turn back time but you can't. You search for answers, you search for an explanation for yourself, a reason, I guess. But the only thing you can think of is going back to where you started, who you were before. And you come to the saddest part, its when you dont know who you are or where you're from. You can't go back and you're sad because the reason for it all is because you've lost yourself completely.

The Best of My Memories

Istanbul, let's pray I'll see you again soon. InsyaAllah.

The Other Half Of Me.

So I live in boarding school and right here, you practically meet every type of person there is. You find people from all over the country. You also find real friends, that make you forget about the fake ones. So yeah, I hope we stay friends till jannah.Cause y'know, we dont have much here, but we have each other xx

Fake Friends.

That feeling when you lost someone, makes you tired. Tired of everything and little by little, you realize you've stuck by the wrong people. You start feeling tired of being left behind and you're done being there for someone who's never been there for you. And you start to get tired of how they treat you like you're their back up friend and you find somebody else. And it goes great. But it's still not the same. You're scared they'll leave you for someone else too. But I guess that's just me. And I guess I just want the people that come into my life to be there for me as much as I am for them. because honestly, I'm getting tired of this whole "friends" thing.

Thanks, Neighbouring Countries.

The air is so bad, its like smoke on fire.

Even the Stars, They Burn.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...

What Hurts The Most.

What hurts the most is when you feel left out, or when you feel alone. It's when you feel scared of nothing in particular and you're afraid of telling anyone, it's when your heart feels empty and you want someone to be there but you look at yourself and you think, even I myself won't be there for this shithole. It's when you feel like you're lost but you're in a room full of people. What hurts most is when you feel like there's nothing left of you, it's when you're heart feels like someone is stabbing it but you can't save yourself.
             But something that you can't save yourself from is the hurt you feel when you're not good enough, when you feel like you won't be able to find someone who'll love you for who you are because honestly, you don't even love yourself enough to keep you going.But just do, it'll be worthwhile. This I promise you. You'll grow up one day and you'll be everything you've ever wanted, you'll travel the world and you'll feel free and for once in your life you'll be happy.The aches will go away and you'll feel like you've got everything in the world. Because you see, when you grow up, you'll be everything in the world for someone that'll love you for being who you are.

The things I want.

The problem with me is I can't figure myself out. I don't really know who I am. I don't really know where I belong. And I guess its time I start finding out. But the hardest thing for me to know, yet the thing I want most out of myself is to know what I want. I'm indecisive, I know. So it's a real challenge for me to put in words what I want most. But I guess for the time being, I want to be the best I can, I want to have real friends who don't leave you behind, I want that "menusuk kalbu" thingy when I see the other half of me, I want to get out of this school, I want to travel all around the world and see places and learn, I want my family to be happy and I guess I wish happiness for my friends and me too.
 The reason why I'm scared of wanting and hoping is just that I don't want to be dissapointed. I usually don't get why people tell me not to put my hopes up too high, but right now I do, and I'm sad. But I promise I won't stop hoping and wanting because that's a sign you see, a sign that shows when you're dying inside and that's the thing I desperately try to escape from. Depression, sadness, it's all not the type of person I am. So, I won't change myself, I won't change my heart and I'm not gonna change who I am. I'm a dreamer.

Ten things I'd like to do before I die

1. Be a good muslim and a good daughter.
2. Travel the world and do crazy stuff while I'm at it.
3. Go bunjee jumping over a river.
4. Change the world for the better.
5. Become extremely successful.
6. Experience an actual summer.
7. Meet that guy thats supposed to be "the one"
8. Scuba diving.
9. Go to New York and play hide and seek in times square with my amigas.
10. Join a flashmob.

The Point of No Return

I looked down to see the cars of New York and the bright lights that claim to have never slept. From afar, I see a little girl, lost perhaps. Sad, definitely. I could see something in her eyes although I'm very far away. I could see myself. She had sorrow in her eyes, the kind of sorrow that's been in mine for years.

I looked down to see the cars of New York and the bright lights that claim to have never slept. From afar, I see a couple, their in love, I bet. The happiness in their souls lighting up what seems to me like the whole of New York. And I think, I wish I could've experienced a love like that.

I looked down to see the cars of New York and the bright lights that claim to have never slept. From afar, I see a begger. Cold and desperate,I pray the world spares her some mercy. An old man walks her by and gives some bread. She is safe, for she's tasting care. And from a top I wish I could've tasted what she did, the care that I longed for.

I looked down to see the cars of New York and the bright lights that claim to have never slept. I saw the road and thought to myself,

Let's free myself from myself.

My final wish you need to hear,

The girl finds her way home and fill her eyes with love and joy,

The couple remains till forever and their love shine through.

The begger be shown mercy and feel like she mattered.

I looked down to where I stand, some bricks on a tower. My feet at the edge, ever ready. And I guess it's time to heal the world, by my dissapearance I feel everything's better.

A leap of faith, I took.

And I can't turn back.

What can I say, I'm at the point of no return.

Get This.

I don't get why people filter friends by faces or the money their parents have. I don't get why people are trending depression. I don't get why the world can be so cruel yet so beautiful at the same time.

 But what I do understand is how happy I want to be when I grow up and how I want to see the the world as something amazing. And one day, I'll hope you see it too. 

The air that gives you life.

The love you feel.

 and the happiness that fills your heart.

 it may not be there yet, but trust me. It will. and maybe someday you'll be the girl with all the love in the world and all the hope to give. People may ask you to never look back but do me a favor and just do. All the heartbreaks you've been through, all the memories. Everything. Because those are the things that make you who you are.